(I wrote this in March 2017…welcome to real life only posting it now March 2018)
A couple of weeks ago Ronnie came home from a food tasting. We are working on a 3rd food concept for 98 Food Co – it involves rice. The guys have been testing every rice under the sun and that particular day he had brought our personal rice maker from home to the office. That evening he walked in the door and set it down on the counter. I can’t remember what exactly had gone on that day but when I went to put it back in the cupboard I took one look and lost it on the poor man. I mean lost it.
The conversation went something likes this.
“WHAT THE F$#! is your problem? Can you not take two F’ing seconds to at least rinse the dang thing? (This is grief at its finest. You lose your marbles over the littlest things.) I already don’t love the way Ronnie cleans the rice maker at the best of times – he never wipes the outside of the machine where the rice water bubbles up and leaves little water marks. So to have it caked on with 19 different batches of rice was too much for me to handle that day.
I continued to swear at him in front of Swayzie and rip into him for no reason other than the fact that the rice cooker lid is extremely dirty and now I have to wash it.
We capture snaps of our life on Instagram stories and love being able to share on daily joys. We get stopped in restaurants and public places by others saying how much they love our “insta stories” and how funny Swayzie, our daughter, is, which is kind of cool.
I love capturing our days. I love sharing our life. I also love being able to replay the days events before I head to bed and soak in the precious moments of what the past 24 hours has given us. It is really a highlight reel of the best moments of the last 24 hours. The power of social media has been incredible in our lives, connecting us to new friends, keeping in touch with old and updating everyone at once. But what I don’t love is that everyone then views or judges us as this put-together family. It doesn’t quite give the full picture. Like a said it is just the highlight reel. Those little dashes at the top only indicate 15 second moments.
Here is the truth about our life and the mess of the grief journey. I am with people so much of the day and being “on”, that sometimes poor Hot Ronnie gets the majority of all my crap – the build up, the tough emotions that we are processing since Lewiston passing and the times when I just don’t have patience for anything else to be thrown off in my day.
My dream is to continue to share our story and to inspire others to live more full, joyful lives. To make the moments count and go after what God designed them to do.
The rice cooker is just one example of how we don’t share everything with you. I am sure Hot Ronnie would have loved to capture everything on insta stories to show me just how crazy I was being…..
My reason behind writing this post is to share that not everything is pink and rosy and a walk in the park. The past six months have been challenging for us as a family and for us as couple. It isn’t just better over night; we won’t just magically get over the loss of our son. We are constantly grappling with how to navigate the waters of grief as they roll in and crash on us.
If you are wading through any mucky situation and feeling like you’re drowning be easy on yourself and your partner. I am thankful that I have a hubby that I can loose my marbles on and that he still loves me fiercely. I got one of the good ones. I am thankful that he understands that sometimes my emotions bubble up and I truly lose control. I am thankful that our marriage is rooted deep and we have a solid foundation so that when it does get tough we don’t give up on each other. There are many times I have wanted to throw in the towel but it is usually in moments of deep hurt and steming from something deeper than a silly fight over rice maker.
Grief is tricky. It is hard and some days it will try and take you down. For me it was a just a very dirty, messy, caked on rice maker lid that pushed me over the edge that day. I am learning to recognize my triggers, and finding tools that work to cope with it all. If you are experiencing loss be easy on yourself, but also your partner. Some days the darnest things will trip you up, but don’t worry you can clean them up, apologize if your ripped someone’s head off and keep moving forward. Sometimes just simply taking 5 minutes to catch my breath and remind myself that I am hurting doesn’t give me full permission to trip into others. Grief will make you do some crazy things.