How to Help Someone in Grief
Okay, let's get this cleared up. Leave the dang chili at home. For the love of God, the person you want to help does not need another pot of fresh or frozen chili, even if your recipe won at the county fair last year or Martha Stewart is your aunt, and this is her secret recipe. NO MORE CHILI. How do I know that? … Well, because my son passed away in 2016, my father-in-law in 2014, and we got one too many pots of chili dropped off. So yes, I consider myself well-versed in how to help others during difficult times. I couldn't look or eat chili for at least 2 years after our son's death. It reminded me of that horrible time. Okay, so now you are wondering, if not chili, then what?
First off, there is no right or wrong. What works really great for one family might not for another. But I have collected what I found helpful and put it here in this post so you have some solid ideas at your fingertips. Remember, the majority of the time, just showing up to say you care means more than the actual item. I also wrote an entire chapter of this in my book, Bring The Joy, which is linked here.
was amazed at who showed up and continues to show up to this day. Grief and loss are never done. Some days, it was perfect strangers with the most thoughtful, loving, delicious meals who just wanted to help. And help they did. You can't fault someone for following a nudge or trying to help. Grief is tricky, so I encourage you to always extend grace. Remember, there is not a one-size-fits-all approach to this tricky grief journey. Just remember questions such as: "How are you doing?" or "Are you okay?" are horrible questions to ask when someone has just buried a loved one. Put yourself in their shoes. A simple statement like "I am sorry for your loss; this sucks." Learn to live in the silence and just let them know you are there.
We have practical tools, but don't ever wait for them to reach out to you. Often in times of grief, loss, trauma, and heartache, making one more decision is unbearable. Be specific with how you can help. For example, "I will drop off a meal Thursday at 5 pm. Does that work? Do you have any allergies?"
Here are some practical & helpful ideas for how you can show up:
Organize a meal train – we found every other day worked best as sometimes you are not always hungry.
Fresh salads – make sure to put the dressing on the side.
Green juices or frozen smoothie packs if you are local to YYC then check out Raw by Robyn.
Skip the Dishes gift cards for the days when they don’t feel like reheating yet another frozen casserole.
Ditch the store-bought fruit or veggies platter; take the time to cut up veggies and fresh fruit. Bring a homemade dip and ensure it is in containers you don’t need back.
Handwritten notes but never expect a thank you; likely, the person’s brain is so foggy they will forget.
A new cozy sweater or zip-up for lounging at home or in the hospital.
A short visit is the best visit unless they ask you to stay.
Organizing childcare or cleaners for the house or helping with yard care.
Book a mobile massage – anything self-care was one of my favourite things (a few of the gift certificates I got when Lewiston was sick, I used several months later after he passed, and I was beyond grateful for them).
Put together a basket of your fav products – anything from chocolate to lotions, a facemask, or magazine/book.
Bottle of wine – yes I said it.
Drop off their favourite coffee or tea with a note just letting them know that you are thinking of them – it can even be written on the cup it doesn’t have to be perfect.
A Christmas ornament in honour of their loved one.
New fresh bedding.
Check-in several months later as they navigate their new normal without their person – I had friends follow up with me monthly which meant the world to me. A simple text saying I am just checking in and thinking of you, goes a long way.
Ideas for what to bring someone in the hospital:
A snack basket is easy to eat, a quick snack; think of it as packing for a road trip.
Fresh fruit and veggies cut up in a container that you don’t need back – ditch the store-bought fruit tray.
A warm, cozy sweatshirt, a zip-up hoodie, or a wrap.
A self-care basket.
New Slippers or cozy socks.
Gifts and ideas for those in grief and loss:
A Bereavement Box by Avery’s Legacy
A Keepsake Box with their name engraved into it – Box Smith
In the months after death, pick up the phone and call. Send a text letting them know you are thinking of them. The simplest of things can be the impactful.
Don’t wait for permission, just show up and do it. I always go back to treat others how you want to be treated as you walk through that situation.
